The Perfect Drug

January 13, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

I have a little problem. I have a bunch of them but let’s focus on my addiction to nicorette gum. I quit smoking 8 years ago. It was super fucking hard and my rage was such that someone should have injected me with 4MG of Ativan and taken me away in the crazy cart.  I didn’t want to quit but evidently it gave me asthma. Smoking was my best friend and shield (literally, it kept people from getting to close to me).  And nothing calms my angry punk ass down like continuously renewing the nicotine addiction cycle.

To this day, I still miss my Marlboro Lights (ML) and vow that I will smoke again! Vowing that I will smoke again is one of the ways I stay off ML. I pray everyday that I’m given two weeks notice before I die so I can smoke my ass off.

Another way I stay off ML is by fully embracing my nicorette habit with a nicorette addiction. I have no intention of ever quitting this shit.  Here’s why:

I don’t eat like a POW just released and returned home to Mom.

I’m able to deep throat my boss’s control freak and passive-aggressive daggers (sometimes this requires the addition of grey goose and xanax).

I have less road, elevator, and sidewalk rage than I normally experience when something hinders my mission at hand.

I don’t kill the urban element in my work neighborhood who slow me down with their slow walking. [best i can tell, slow walking occurs because you’re too fucking fat and travel in fatty packs or because your deliberate steps are necessary to keep your pants up.]

I have something to pair with other vices like coffee, drinking, and occasional recreational drug use. [vices are most effective when combined.]

I won’t boil a bunny on your stove if I feel scorned by you.

I won’t scratch my eyes out from boredom when I’m forced to attend a girl-only party. [see girls bore me.]

I have something bad to balance every good thing that ever happens to me.  nicorette after sex, nicorette when I get a new job, nicorette when my daughter has a shut-out, nicorette when I get a comment on my blog, etc.

Nicorette is nirvana.

  1. Linda
    January 13, 2010 at 10:41 pm

    Keeping people away, smoking does that, really, wow good thing I didn’t know. I don’t like many people, (see girls bore me) but somehow despite that, I am addicted to friendship intimacy.

    • January 14, 2010 at 1:41 am

      ironically, as a shy person, i have the same addiction for friendship and initimacy.

  2. ken
    February 24, 2010 at 8:02 pm

    hardest drug i’ve ever failed to quit.

    • February 24, 2010 at 8:42 pm

      go with the nicorette. i’ll never quit it.

  3. avapidblonde
    February 26, 2010 at 2:26 am

    You are absolutely right. We were separated at birth. Most girls bore me, my lesbian friends a butt load of fun and there are one or two others in RL. I didn’t do the gum..I have a whole pack of it. I’ve chewed it twice to kind of sober me up? (yeah its like that!) AND the patch…totally makes me fiend for a cigarette like you would not believe. Drooling fiending!

    • February 26, 2010 at 2:38 am

      girl, we will smoke again someday, i just know it. (and have to believe it)

  1. January 15, 2010 at 7:43 pm

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