Slow Walkers Should Chew Nicorette

January 15, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

Babies, midgets, prepubescent girls, and pugs are supposed to be roly poly. Triangle, inverted triangle, hour-glass, oval, and rectangle body types are all fine. But if your body type resembles a marshmallow, you’re too fucking fat. If you’re not a weeble but you wobble, then you’re too fucking fat. And if this wobbling turns you into a slow walker, then I have issues with you.

I’m not thin by any measure. I’m of German-Irish descent. We breed ’em hearty and big-boned. We’re a beer and potato people. I also happen to be a cheese junkie.  So I’m not here to advocate skinny ass figures.  I’m also not saying super fast walkers are cool. They look like spasbots. But what I absolutely can’t get behind is a slow-walking fat ass. Literally, I hate getting behind them.

I’m a woman with a mission and people who can’t move at an average or accelerated pace slow my shit down. This is a big concern when I’m leaving work or shopping for a new party dress. When a slow walker, or much worse a pack of slow walkers, totally obstructs my way this causes a rage spike which in turn compels me to pop a piece of nicorette.  Maybe slow walkers should chew nicorette, too, to get their fucking heart rates up once in a while.  There are four flavors to choose from:  White Ice Mint, Cinnamon Surge, Fruit Chill, and Fresh Mint. Eight if you consider the teeth whitening varieties.

Anyway, I think these slow-walking fat asses should be required to place a warning placard on their rear ends so people can try to avoid getting too close and blocked from further forward movement.

If you think I’m insensitive, you’re dead wrong. I’m really looking out for these fatsos. If these people don’t lay off the grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches, they’re going to suffer the inevitable revolt against slow walkers where slow walkers who get caught (and they’ll all get caught, thank you captain obvious) will be confined to their homes and when they die of obesity, the only way to cremate them will be to burn down the house while they’re still in it.  Like poor Gilbert Grape’s Mom.

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  1. February 5, 2010 at 6:59 am

    Oh ya… I’m really looking out for these fatsos too! :0

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