i aint no woman, aight

January 27, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

i’m an adult female so you may think it appropriate to refer to me as a woman. but don’t. it sounds matronly. unfeminine. like meryl streep in doubt. or biblical: woman taken from man. like man but with a womb: woman. and please don’t say i have a womanly figure either. we know this means amazonly. and what it doesn’t mean: nubilely. yes, i know amazonly and nubilely aren’t real words. but they should be.

woman in no way conveys how i’d like to be perceived. woman does not = pretty, sexy, rad, curvy, bangin’ or badass. so what if i’m not any of these things, we’re talking perception. let’s not get mired in the details.

whether you consider them derogatory, slang, or just old school, here are some terms you can use when referring to me and examples of how you might use them:

bella donna: patty reminds me of stevie nicks when she did the bella donna album, before stevie became all womanly
 
whore: patty’s a total tech whore
 
bitch: bitch can rollerblade circles around any 20-somethin
 
bird: 2birds1blog. hilarious. don’t go there now. wait until you finish reading this bird. but british slang always works.
 
girl: fergie got nothin on patty, girl got it goin on
 
mistress: mistress patty will dominate your ass
 
bootylicious: there’s nothing more nutritious than a girl’s who’s bootylicious
 
ho: damn, that ho was born to throw a party and she makes a serious music mix too.
  
shawty: shawty’s fire burnin down the house (or something like that. if you’ve seen me dance, you know what i’m talking about)
 
baby: hey baby, wassup (this is how the beastie boys greet me when they run into me)
 
henhussy: i just like this word. i’ll leave its usage open.
 
dish: did you see how dish patty was in those penny loves kenny cowboy boots
 
wilf: patty is a writer i’d like to fuck
 
superfreak: that girl’s a superfreak, the kind you read about in a new-wave magazine (for the history books, rick james was singing about pattypunker)
 
chick: patty’s so rockin she should be a chick bass player (i am in my own mind so don’t be feeling all sorts of bad for me)
 
and in closing if you ever — i mean ever — call me motherfucking ma’am imma cut your boney little ass.
 
how do you like to be referred to?
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  1. Linda
    January 28, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    When a English guy calls you, “Luv,” think John Lennon or an Aussie calls you, “Sheila,” I know most would say Hugh Jackman but I would have take Russell Crowe myself.

  2. January 28, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    oh yes, luv, you’re so right. and def russell crowe over hugh jackman.

  3. February 4, 2010 at 3:55 am

    I love this Trisha! It reminds me of something Julia Roberts said in an interview once, “I’m no woman, I’m something between a chick and a broad!”

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