hey guys, save teabagging for the bedroom

my good friend kyle told me that he wanted to quit drinking coffee and start drinking tea. he said he was reading outside magazine and that tea is loaded with antioxidants, helps maintain good prostate health, and trims the waistline. fuck that noise. eat more nuts and berries, go rogue every now and again, and ride your damn cannondale. tea is for pussies.   

oh sure guys in india, japan, and the UK slam down tea like real boys slam down cold ones during pre-game.  but do you really wanna model yourself after this guy:   

Prince of Pussies, I mean Wales

tea causes leprechaun-like ear growth. and he’s obviously a cross-dresser. not that there’s anything wrong with that. but he chose this bow-wow with eroded tea teeth syndrome (ETTS):   

do we see an adam's apple here?

over this beautiful fairy-tale princess with pearly whites:   

all girl!

and anyway, i’m talking about red-blooded american males here.  could you imagine the marlboro man sitting around the campfire with his other cowboy buds drinking a pot of fine white peony tea? (i had to look up the name of a good tea here.)  exactly, because these dudes wear spurs not kilts.   

 

and do you think joe dimaggio, mr coffee himself, would have ever hawked a tea-pot? no, because he was a manly man yankee baseball superstar and husband of marilyn monroe.   

but, i could see this bitch peddling tea petals:   

a-rod the tea petal peddler

i’m not even gonna start talking about the hackneyed extended pinky grip or the fruity shit that is served with tea:   

accompaniment of crustless sandwiches, crumpets, scones, and other "sweet" treats

but if you quit drinking coffee, and start drinking tea, then i think you should give up the burger, too. that’s just how it works. it’s a slippery slope my friend.   

i’m a little tea-pot short and stout. here is my handle, where is my cock?