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priestess of depravity

March 3, 2010 13 comments

i received the most epic comment (reflection, really) on my last post about hot foreign dudes i’d like to schtup. it was from my college buddy, matt attanasio, and because of its sheer brilliance, i’m stealing it and posting it on MY BLOG. it’s also easier to steal than it is to write my own shit. i’ve put my favorite passages in bold, so you can clearly see why matt is the shizzle.

matt attanasio looking devil-red

also, i’m finally up and running on my new site. i don’t have a new design yet, but everything has been transferred over with the help of wpbeginner. so huge thanks to them. they’re full of rad goodness. i did some of the work and updated my tagline and my about page, so check it out. subscribe. add it to your faves. love me madly.  and here’s matt:

“It dawned on me last evening as I was tossing and turning through another sleepless night. It’s been days wrestling with this monster, this endless demon that could only be slayed by writing about it which will hopefully put it to it’s final rest. I have finally figured out the mystery, the key unlocking that great chastity belt in the sky. The reason, yes the true reason why Patty Punker has gone through boxes of Energizer’s lusting after Hugh Grant.

I must admit, it bemused and befuddled me why this priestess of depravity would even have an interest, no less a burning passion for this seemingly uber-conservative upper crust and IMHO utterly boring Brit turned Hollywood actor. Lets face it, Hugh is the King of Swoon for all those prissily dressed nice girls who love their boyfriends and kiss their mommy and daddys before they go to bed at night. The chicks who love the dare I say “chick flicks” that endlessly play on the Starz channels when there’s no testosterone in the room. But Patty? She would never fall for such frivolity. She would never fall for such a proper dull gent as he. She would never be interested in such a screen persona. Or would she? That’s it! It’s just a persona. Maybe there was another side to the dapper Mr. Grant. A dual persona; kind of like the Mormon Dual Jesus, but not really.

Than I remembered a tale from years ago. A tale so sordid that I tried to expunge it from overly obsessed mind. Apparently, I have not been successful. Wasn’t our hero arrested on Hollywood Boulevard for soliciting a hooker? Wait a minute, it wasn’t just an everyday washed up 35 year old crackwhore looking for another fix. It was a transvestite hooker. Oh, the sordity, the depravity not to mention the utter stupidity.

It all started to make sense to me. Patty wasn’t swooning over the Hugh that most of us see on the silver screen. She was swooning over the “other Hugh”, the reckless and raunchy Hugh that she could plainly see behind that snarky smile of his when he’s dazzling some on- screen harlot. I can finally rest now because life is once again making sense. Patty’s lust is justified; and the world is a better place for it.”

my dirty little secret

February 17, 2010 26 comments

everyday i fall in love all over again on the internet. the honesty, humor, cleverness, and likenesses to myself i find out there in the blogosphere just reel me in. i get all school girl giddy. (even over girls, but that’s just my idolatry problem rearing its ugly head.) but this time it’s for realz. 

i have a RAGING crush on a certain male blogger. i’m convinced he is my true love and that he feels the chemistry too. even though we have never seen each other in person, or direct messaged/emailed each other, there are some major vibes flowing between us over these omnipotent internet waves. and it’s only a matter of time before things escalate. see if you agree. . .

i can’t recall how we discovered each other but i remember commenting on his blog post 10 Best Albums of the Decade. (no, i’m not linking to this post and sharing his identity. that would leave me vulnerable to jinxing. and besides if he reads this, then he will know it’s him and will be encouraged by my affirmation of requited love.)

because music is one of my greatest loves, practically anytime a guy is into cool music (translation: the kind i like), my libido is gonna start jumping. on his list were some of my absolute faves:

weezer–green album

john butler trio–sunrise over sea

the shins–oh inverted world

radiohead–kid a or pick one (pick one! he’s a radiohead head, too!)

the flaming lips–yoshimi battles the pink robots

not long after this, my hotty commented on my Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade post and that’s when i was pretty sure i had hooked him. i became obsessed and the stalking began (don’t snicker, he’s def doing it, too).  i made sure to comment on his posts everyday and i became a fan of his facebook page (actually he’s sort of a celebrity and has an amazing tv writing/producing and even an acting history).

at some point we started following each other on twitter, but for the life of me, i can’t remember who initiated that either.

anyfreeze, one time i commented on his post about the movie leap year with amy adams agreeing that adam scott who is also in the movie is a dickhead. he liked that comment and replied back.

of course, there’s this girl, meghan, who chimes in on his every post, too. from her thumbnail she looks to be one of those dark, gothy, exotic looking chicks (i.e., evil). just the opposite of me. he replies to her comments, too, but i can tell they are half-hearted compared to the way he replies to me.

when i commented on his conan vs. jay post that chelsea handler would be the one set of cojones still standing, he replied that chelsea’s “i used to be a slut” bit couldn’t last. however, he put it ever so nicely. we don’t have to agree on everything to still be crazy crushing on one another.

to his post pondering why he doesn’t get invited to sex toy parties, i sent him a link to my girls bore me post in which i assert maybe if men were invited to these things, there might be some potential for fun. to which he replied “hmmm.”  i’m still dying to know exactly what he was thinking. why was he hiding his thoughts? it had to be that he was afraid meghan or some other girlfriend who obvs doesn’t hold a candle to me was reading the thread.

then one time he tweets, “going to throw a dart: vegas,  portland, portsmouth, boston.”

i tweet back, “come to philly.”

he says, “i’d rather light myself on fire than live in philly.”

i die inside. and ask, “why, cuz i’m here?”

he answers,  “i hate your baseball team, your hockey team… and the general attitude of your sports fans. that is a good start. : )”

i’m sure he’s confusing philly teams/fans with new york, but that’s neither here, nor there. what’s important to note is the smiley face he puts at the end. he wanted to reassure me that it didn’t have anything to do with me!

lately, he hasn’t replied to my comments with the same zeal, but then he posted everything sucks or is meh and within this post was this:

“In looking at my life I am more professionally accomplished than I have ever been. I am making more money than I ever have. My dating and love life is fine. And really by all accounts everything is fine, except for some reason I have become a negative and miserable human being. It got to the point where I wasn’t enjoying anything on any level. It has been pretty scary.”

THERE IT IS!  there is a another girl, but that someone rates as a four-letter F word: fine. in this context, fine is not the foxy fine, but the mediocre fine. and clearly she is not cutting the mustard if he’s become so depressed and forlorn, and can longer enjoy things like U2 concerts and beer.

so that’s how i know he secretly wants me, too. his emptiness is a direct result of my not being in his life.

the anticipation of wondering when the secret will break is just sooo titillating. soon he will confess that he can’t take his mind off of me and must have me. when that direct message arrives, i’m going to melt.

it’s going to be any day now, but i can wait. sometimes the dreaming is the best part.

UPDATE February 18

so my one true love (OTL) hasn’t posted anything on his blog today for me to read and capture more of his essence. commenting on his posts is one of the highlights of my day.  i  imagine him lighting up when my name appears in his comments and that he falls a little deeper every time he reads my witty take on his humorous post. he probably envisions us laughing our heads off together for all of eternity as the world becomes our own private joke and continually ignites our passion.

i guess he hasn’t read my blog either since my Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade post, but i’m certain this is because of his funk that i told you about yesterday. by his own admission he can’t enjoy things anymore, even the things that require no effort because they automatically make us feel good.  and i bet that he and mediocre girl are fighting about something stupid like where to order the pad thai and he’s wondering why am i with her when we can’t even agree on delivery and i now know my OTL, who thinks just like me, is out there. poor guy. 

i’m a little down, too, because of his absence. (we’re always so in sync.) but i know he won’t fail me.  can’t you just sense it too?

C is for …..

January 20, 2010 20 comments

you probably think this post is all about the word cunt. you’re close! it’s a list of my 20 favorite C words with a K sound.  it’s a good sound on the right words. kah. my last post was all heavy talking about depression, suicide, and that creepy wind-up doll in the pristiq ads so i figured i better keep it ez-breezy this time around. and this shit just comes to me, i don’t know why.

my 20 favorite C words with a K sound:

coquette (flirting is a blast)

crestfallen (i often feel this way)

cacophony (defines the sounds of a hangover)

cash (don’t be a monkey, everyone loves cash)

cannabis (love me a psychoactive chemical)

cunnilingus (not fun to say, but fun to receive)

cantankerous (met many a cantankerous mule)

crazy (embrace yours)

cunt (really makes me feel better when i call you this if you are one)

corny (it ain’t ez being cheezy but there’s nothing like a corny compliment. you are the brightest star in my sky.)

curmudgeon (says it all about a person)

calloused (it happens)

creative (please let it happen)

contraception (thank fucking god)

conundrum (have a lot of these)

curse (my favorite pastime)

colorful (my favorite kind of personality)

cunning (reminds me of cunnilingus. remember ms. moneypenny, “james, you always were a cunning linguist.”)

creepy (describes my encounters with men on the street)

curvy (a euphemism for my body type. and scarlett jo, kate winslet, and drew barrymore.)

What are your favorite C words with a K sound? C’mon give em up. We all have them.

The Perfect Drug

January 13, 2010 7 comments

I have a little problem. I have a bunch of them but let’s focus on my addiction to nicorette gum. I quit smoking 8 years ago. It was super fucking hard and my rage was such that someone should have injected me with 4MG of Ativan and taken me away in the crazy cart.  I didn’t want to quit but evidently it gave me asthma. Smoking was my best friend and shield (literally, it kept people from getting to close to me).  And nothing calms my angry punk ass down like continuously renewing the nicotine addiction cycle.

To this day, I still miss my Marlboro Lights (ML) and vow that I will smoke again! Vowing that I will smoke again is one of the ways I stay off ML. I pray everyday that I’m given two weeks notice before I die so I can smoke my ass off.

Another way I stay off ML is by fully embracing my nicorette habit with a nicorette addiction. I have no intention of ever quitting this shit.  Here’s why:

I don’t eat like a POW just released and returned home to Mom.

I’m able to deep throat my boss’s control freak and passive-aggressive daggers (sometimes this requires the addition of grey goose and xanax).

I have less road, elevator, and sidewalk rage than I normally experience when something hinders my mission at hand.

I don’t kill the urban element in my work neighborhood who slow me down with their slow walking. [best i can tell, slow walking occurs because you’re too fucking fat and travel in fatty packs or because your deliberate steps are necessary to keep your pants up.]

I have something to pair with other vices like coffee, drinking, and occasional recreational drug use. [vices are most effective when combined.]

I won’t boil a bunny on your stove if I feel scorned by you.

I won’t scratch my eyes out from boredom when I’m forced to attend a girl-only party. [see girls bore me.]

I have something bad to balance every good thing that ever happens to me.  nicorette after sex, nicorette when I get a new job, nicorette when my daughter has a shut-out, nicorette when I get a comment on my blog, etc.

Nicorette is nirvana.

Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade

January 8, 2010 8 comments

i know my gritty shit and i’m a list dork.  so here are the top 10 tv shows for the decade:

10. entourage – every single person on this show has the sexiest swagger eva. when marky mark produces, you’re guaranteed mind moonshine. bonus points for great soundtracks.

9. chelsea lately – chelsea handler is my own personal jesus. (see girls bore me.) amen sista.

8. 30 rock – when writer and player, tina fey (the lady gaga of television humor) and alec baldwin (the president of in-your-face television humor) get together the result is the best comedy you’ll ever see on network television. 

7. united state of tara – diablo cody (see girls bore me) and toni collette deliver us some very memorable characters: buck the kickass redneck, T the teenage twat, alice the happy homemaker (i want what she’s smoking!), and of course tara an awesome mom who came clean about her multiple personalities.

6. dexter – original premise is brilliant and remains solid: homicide blood spatter analyst is a serial killer himself and kills the serial killers in his cases. talk about a decent mind fuck.  john lithgow was totally compelling as a serial killer in the last season.

5. house – a little opiate does wonders for a doctor’s diagnostic skills.  love me an arrogant oxy-fed doc with a limp.

4. mad men – cigarettes, martinis, girls who wear dresses, gloves, hats and beehives, men who wear hats, and the ad game during the ogilivy era. what a wicked game they play. best hairdo of the decade at right.

3. californication – this story chronicles the life of hank moody, the author who penned “God Hates Us All” and “Fucking and Punching.” need i say more? ok, then: david duchovony, david duchovony, david duchony.

2. nurse jackie — a little opiate does wonders for a girl’s libido. plus she’s edgy enough to be one of the girls i could be tight with. see girls bore me.

1. six feet under – you can’t go wrong when you combine the morbid, morose, pursuit of art, and heavy drama among quirky people. my heart raced and i cried like a baby at many an episode. plus driving a hearse as your personal vehicle is so badass. amazing soundtracks to boot.

Girls Bore Me

January 7, 2010 13 comments

girls bore the living daylights out of me. that’s why i don’t have many girlfriends.

first of all, they’re not into the stuff I’m into to: 

rock

live music

gritty entertainment

occasional recreational drug use

regular or heavy drinking

wacked art

political incorrectness

chronic cursing

generally the girls I know are more into shit like:

smothering their kids

preparing healthy meals

running, cycling, and skiing

starving themselves

oprah (yeah i said it. i dissed O)

and the worst offense of all: chick-only parties. these include candle, jewelry, bag, pampered chef,  wedding and baby showers, and even sex toys (this one wouldn’t be so bad if men were involved).

secondly, girls have been raised to be sweet and charming. to be liked and keep their mouths shut. therefore they play little mind games. say, a girl is pissed. she will give you the silent or short treatment and she won’t tell you why.  she expects you to guess because she’s too nice to tell you the nasty things she’s thinking about your behavior. in fact, if you do guess, she will deny it, but still expect you to change your ways pronto.   now a man, he either accepts things as they are (not nearly as judgemental) or he tells you straight up what is wrong. men like to get it fixed, but only if it’s broken. if only girls could do this.

however, there are some girls i think i could be tight friends with. they include: chelsea handler, sarah silverman, diablo cody, the bloggess, frances mcdormand, rosanna and particia arquette, holly hunter, nurse jackie, drew barrymore, patricia clarkson, any chick bass player, and my friend linda.

Top 50 Rock Albums of the Decade

January 6, 2010 4 comments

Making lists energizes me.  I get a rush each time I come up with a new item for my list. I can’t rest until my list is complete. Then once it is, I’m pacified and relaxed. I can’t help thinking my body must crave list making because it’s so much like a street drug. Addictive.  I get up.  I get down. And need to continue the cycle.

The best way to explain my dirty little habit is to list the lists I keep on an ongoing basis: To Do (daily, weekly, and rainy day versions), Gift Ideas, My Wish List, Places I Want to Travel, Restaurants I Want to Try, Music I Love, Movies I Love, Names for a Pug (Baby was earlier), Stocks I Should Buy, Photographers I Love, and the list goes on.

Anyway, here are the Top 50 Rock Albums of the Decade (cuz I am a list dork and know my music shit):

50. arctic monkeys – whatever people say i am, that’s what i’m not

49. xx – studio album

48.  the shins -oh, invented world

47. the strokes – is this it

46. blitzen trapper – wild mountain nation

45. black eyed peas – the end

44. the postal service – give up

43. grizzly bear – veckatimest

42. interpol – antics

41. rogue wave – asleep at heaven’s gate

40. kings of leon – because of the times

39. editors – an end has a start

38. lucinda williams – world without tears

37. sonic youth – rather ripped

36. sonic youth – the eternal

35. shout out louds – our ill wills

34. sigur ros – hvarf-heim

33. sigur ros – takk

32. interpol – turn on the bright lights

31. frightened rabbit – the midnight organ fight

30. pinback – autumn in seraphs

29. clap your hands say yeah – clap your hands say yeah

28. thurston moore – trees outside of the academy

27. raconteurs – broken boy soldiers

26. dresden dolls – yes, Virginia

25.  avril lavigne – let go

24. freelance whales – weathervanes

23. fanfarlo – reservoir

22. modest mouse – good news for people who love bad news

21. hold steady – boys and girls in america

20. regina spektor – us

19. rogue wave – descended like vultures

18.lucinda williams – essence

17. yo la tengo – prisoner of love

16. wilco – ghost is born

15. the walkmen – hundred miles off

14. okkervil river – black sheep boy

13. red hot chili peppers – by the way

12. my morning jacket –z

11. flaming lips – yoshimi battles the pink robots

10. coldplay – parachutes

9. pete yorn – music for the morning after

8. sigur ros – (   )

7. the national – the national

6. the national – boxer

5. the national – cherry tree

4. the national – sad songs for dirty lovers

3. wilco – yankee hotel foxtrot

2. radiohead – kid a

1. the national – alligator