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top 5 foreign dudes i’d like to get naughty with

March 1, 2010 27 comments

i’m researching taking my blog pro, i.e., purchasing my own domain, managing my own site, and incorporating a new site design.  it’s eating up a lot of time and making me feel stupid. but hey, maybe someday i can have ads and that would give me a little extra occasional money for recreational drug use. it’s good to have goals.

in the meantime,  here’s a quickie to hold you over. i always say, there’s no reason for the DTs, just find a substitute. i think that’s a valid analogy here. anyhussy, here is my list of the top five foreign dudes i’d like to get naughty with (foreign for the added challenge):

1. javier bardem. this is one hot tamale! he had me in the dancer upstairs. was remarkable in love in the time of cholera.  but made it to the top of my list in vicky cristina barcelona where i couldn’t stop thinking, “i’m def going to watch this movie again in slo mo when the hubby and daughter aren’t home.” and who else can rock a bowl cut like he did in no country for old men? 

2. benicio del toro. if javier is 5 chile peppers, benicio is 4.5. those are some soulful bedroom eyes and eyebrows. yes, eyebrows can be bedroom worthy. and kitchen counter, top of the dryer, hammock, and dining room table worthy. if you don’t believe me, watch traffic or 21 grams. then see things we lost in the fire.

3. gary oldman. he just stole some of my favorite movies of all time and played some of the most intriguing characters ever: sid vicious  in sid and nancy, count dracula in bram stoker’s dracula, the pimp in true romance, and ludwig van beethoven in immortal beloved. there’s something raw, edgy, and gritty going on inside that head of his and i need to tap that!

4. daniel craig. two words: james bond. he’s just the sexiest bond to date and the first bond to fall in love! i think he’d fall in love with me, too, if he knew me. but if he just wanted to wham-bam-thank-you-maam me that would be quite alright. fuck, just look at the body on this guy.

5. hugh grant. when you look up “cute and charming as all get out” in the dictionary, a picture of hugh grant shows up. four weddings and a funeral, notting hill, bridget jones’s diary, about a boy, two weeks notice, and love actually. in the latter he does a little dance like he’s mick jagger and damn that’s cute. guys, he is like the male version of your jennifer love hewitt. he may even bedazzle his balls because he’s just that adorable and funny.

 

v-things and shit i hate in the social media world

February 11, 2010 14 comments

since the v-day holiday is upon us and i forget what it feels like to be gaga in love i’m not going to talk about v things. although i could do a V is for … post like i did C is for… cuz there are a ton of sweet V words:

voluptuous. vajayjay. visceral. vasectomy. valium. vodka. venus. vicious. vote. vanity. venomous. virile. vivacious. vaseline. veg. visionary. volatile. va va voom. vogue. vested. vamoose. vacation. veranda. vixen. villainous. victory. voracious. varmint and vermin. vulva. vamp. vw. vampire. voodoo. vineyard. vapid. vindicate. voyeur. vocabulary. vinyl. vehemently. venereal. vim and vigor. velvety. vent. verbatim. verge. vs. vibrator. vices. vintage. volley. volatile. vulgar.

that would be a damn good post. anyway, the lawnmower and i have been married for like 1.8 million years so we’re no violet and victor on v day. we’re more like vera and vernon. a name can say it all, can’t it? i think it’s so cool when people are giddy in love. the BIG smiles. the always having some body part touching. the fucking amazing chemicals surging through their bodies: endorphins, dopamines, oxy, pheromones, percocets, aphrodisiacs. it’s true. look it up in a science resource. the impenetrable happiness. the rose-colored glasses. the giggles. i haven’t had the giggles since the last time i did shrooms. oh and when i just recently watched zombieland. the can’t sleep and can’t wait to get out of bed and get to school or work just to see the person.

so i get it. i’m sad it’s gone, never to be back again. besides i wasn’t going to talk about v things. i’m going to talk about shit i hate in the social media world. cuz hate seems more reachable for me this time of year. here we go, hold on to your ass hats:

1. attention whores. i hate girls who post stuff like they’re going out fucking bikini shopping. exactly what kind of comments do you think they’ll get with this status? “show me the pics.” “get a hot one for your hot body.” “can i come?” “would love to be a fly on the fitting room wall.”  so let me get this straight, you need to let the whole sm world know how much every guy and his frat brother wants to bone you? classy. hope you get pregnant. these people are also #5.

2. ignorers. i hate when you send a message or tweet to someone with a question or something that obviously begs a response and you get straight up ignored. ignoring is ignorant! that’s right, ignoring is the latin root of ignorant. guess what, “no” “can’t make it” “i don’t know” are all answers, use them. don’t pretend i don’t exist. that’s just rude. like not thanking me when i hold the door for you. these people are also #3.

3. selfish social media users. i hate the people who put out all of these posts or tweets just for the feedback about how clever, funny, retarded, odd, or controversial they are. but they never ever comment on anybody else’s posts nor do they retweet anybody else. wtf fuck face! you have no opinions about anything unless it comes from your gem-spewing ass? you must be better than me fo sho. i am not worthy. these people are also #4.

4. jealous people. i hate people that won’t even comment when you have a proud parent moment on fb or twitter. really?  i commented on every stupid picture, announcement, and vid of your kid, but you got nothing when it comes to mine? that’s just wrong buckeroo. my kid rulz and if you can’t handle that or at least fake it then i pronounce you weak and jealous. and now i will rub it in all the harder.

5. horoscope publishers. i hate people who publish their daily horoscope. (unless it’s my friend susan because she can do no wrong in my eyes.) why am i supposed to care about your mood, lucky color, lucky number, lucky time of the day, etc when i’m not even the same sign? and unless i’m in love with you, which i discussed earlier hasn’t happened to me in a millenium or so, i don’t need this much detail about you. only newly-in-loves need this kind of detail about another person. you must be an attention whore who needs people to be obsessed with you and this kind of inane bullshit pisses me off because it causes me to scroll more to get through my feeds. so i’m sending you the bills for my carpal tunnel syndrome.

happy valentine’s day and wishing you that new love feeling because everyone but the people above deserves it. xoxo

C is for …..

January 20, 2010 20 comments

you probably think this post is all about the word cunt. you’re close! it’s a list of my 20 favorite C words with a K sound.  it’s a good sound on the right words. kah. my last post was all heavy talking about depression, suicide, and that creepy wind-up doll in the pristiq ads so i figured i better keep it ez-breezy this time around. and this shit just comes to me, i don’t know why.

my 20 favorite C words with a K sound:

coquette (flirting is a blast)

crestfallen (i often feel this way)

cacophony (defines the sounds of a hangover)

cash (don’t be a monkey, everyone loves cash)

cannabis (love me a psychoactive chemical)

cunnilingus (not fun to say, but fun to receive)

cantankerous (met many a cantankerous mule)

crazy (embrace yours)

cunt (really makes me feel better when i call you this if you are one)

corny (it ain’t ez being cheezy but there’s nothing like a corny compliment. you are the brightest star in my sky.)

curmudgeon (says it all about a person)

calloused (it happens)

creative (please let it happen)

contraception (thank fucking god)

conundrum (have a lot of these)

curse (my favorite pastime)

colorful (my favorite kind of personality)

cunning (reminds me of cunnilingus. remember ms. moneypenny, “james, you always were a cunning linguist.”)

creepy (describes my encounters with men on the street)

curvy (a euphemism for my body type. and scarlett jo, kate winslet, and drew barrymore.)

What are your favorite C words with a K sound? C’mon give em up. We all have them.

Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade

January 8, 2010 8 comments

i know my gritty shit and i’m a list dork.  so here are the top 10 tv shows for the decade:

10. entourage – every single person on this show has the sexiest swagger eva. when marky mark produces, you’re guaranteed mind moonshine. bonus points for great soundtracks.

9. chelsea lately – chelsea handler is my own personal jesus. (see girls bore me.) amen sista.

8. 30 rock – when writer and player, tina fey (the lady gaga of television humor) and alec baldwin (the president of in-your-face television humor) get together the result is the best comedy you’ll ever see on network television. 

7. united state of tara – diablo cody (see girls bore me) and toni collette deliver us some very memorable characters: buck the kickass redneck, T the teenage twat, alice the happy homemaker (i want what she’s smoking!), and of course tara an awesome mom who came clean about her multiple personalities.

6. dexter – original premise is brilliant and remains solid: homicide blood spatter analyst is a serial killer himself and kills the serial killers in his cases. talk about a decent mind fuck.  john lithgow was totally compelling as a serial killer in the last season.

5. house – a little opiate does wonders for a doctor’s diagnostic skills.  love me an arrogant oxy-fed doc with a limp.

4. mad men – cigarettes, martinis, girls who wear dresses, gloves, hats and beehives, men who wear hats, and the ad game during the ogilivy era. what a wicked game they play. best hairdo of the decade at right.

3. californication – this story chronicles the life of hank moody, the author who penned “God Hates Us All” and “Fucking and Punching.” need i say more? ok, then: david duchovony, david duchovony, david duchony.

2. nurse jackie — a little opiate does wonders for a girl’s libido. plus she’s edgy enough to be one of the girls i could be tight with. see girls bore me.

1. six feet under – you can’t go wrong when you combine the morbid, morose, pursuit of art, and heavy drama among quirky people. my heart raced and i cried like a baby at many an episode. plus driving a hearse as your personal vehicle is so badass. amazing soundtracks to boot.

Top 50 Rock Albums of the Decade

January 6, 2010 4 comments

Making lists energizes me.  I get a rush each time I come up with a new item for my list. I can’t rest until my list is complete. Then once it is, I’m pacified and relaxed. I can’t help thinking my body must crave list making because it’s so much like a street drug. Addictive.  I get up.  I get down. And need to continue the cycle.

The best way to explain my dirty little habit is to list the lists I keep on an ongoing basis: To Do (daily, weekly, and rainy day versions), Gift Ideas, My Wish List, Places I Want to Travel, Restaurants I Want to Try, Music I Love, Movies I Love, Names for a Pug (Baby was earlier), Stocks I Should Buy, Photographers I Love, and the list goes on.

Anyway, here are the Top 50 Rock Albums of the Decade (cuz I am a list dork and know my music shit):

50. arctic monkeys – whatever people say i am, that’s what i’m not

49. xx – studio album

48.  the shins -oh, invented world

47. the strokes – is this it

46. blitzen trapper – wild mountain nation

45. black eyed peas – the end

44. the postal service – give up

43. grizzly bear – veckatimest

42. interpol – antics

41. rogue wave – asleep at heaven’s gate

40. kings of leon – because of the times

39. editors – an end has a start

38. lucinda williams – world without tears

37. sonic youth – rather ripped

36. sonic youth – the eternal

35. shout out louds – our ill wills

34. sigur ros – hvarf-heim

33. sigur ros – takk

32. interpol – turn on the bright lights

31. frightened rabbit – the midnight organ fight

30. pinback – autumn in seraphs

29. clap your hands say yeah – clap your hands say yeah

28. thurston moore – trees outside of the academy

27. raconteurs – broken boy soldiers

26. dresden dolls – yes, Virginia

25.  avril lavigne – let go

24. freelance whales – weathervanes

23. fanfarlo – reservoir

22. modest mouse – good news for people who love bad news

21. hold steady – boys and girls in america

20. regina spektor – us

19. rogue wave – descended like vultures

18.lucinda williams – essence

17. yo la tengo – prisoner of love

16. wilco – ghost is born

15. the walkmen – hundred miles off

14. okkervil river – black sheep boy

13. red hot chili peppers – by the way

12. my morning jacket –z

11. flaming lips – yoshimi battles the pink robots

10. coldplay – parachutes

9. pete yorn – music for the morning after

8. sigur ros – (   )

7. the national – the national

6. the national – boxer

5. the national – cherry tree

4. the national – sad songs for dirty lovers

3. wilco – yankee hotel foxtrot

2. radiohead – kid a

1. the national – alligator

5 Things I Resolve NOT to Do in the New Year

December 31, 2009 1 comment

You had to know it was coming, a punk can’t resolve in the positive. So here are the five things I absolutely will not partake in during 2010. 

  1. I will NOT watch Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. There is nothing rockin’ about this man. He looks twice dead. Worse yet, it looks like they have him shot up with some kind of geriatric steroid that keeps him sitting up just long enough to perform for the duration of the show. How is this looking forward? It makes me cringe and scares the living daylights out of me. I’m all for respecting our elders, but that man is a talking corpse (if you can call what’s happening with his mouth talking) and I didn’t sign up for a horror flick showing at Midnight. Give it up already in the spirit of ringing in the new.
  2. I will NOT vote for my Senators who worked late into the night to pass the weak version of the Health Care Reform bill.  This bill dropped the government-run insurance plan that was in the House bill.  Why on earth would we hand 30 million new customers to these behemoth insurance companies paying CEOs $20 million a year? Why would we require the uninsured to become customers of these companies overrun with administrative costs and not offer them an affordable public option?  Second, the Senate bill would allow states to ban the coverage of abortions by health plans sold on the new exchanges. Keep your laws off our bodies!
  3. I will NOT read Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue: An American Life. My understanding is that “going rogue” means having unprotected anal sex.  Leave it to this windbag to be a maverick for the back door. Even though I am nobody and my blog is nowhere I am loath to even mention that vapid, righteous-in-her-own mind Caribou Barbie’s book in my list as I am only giving her undeserved publicity.  I wonder if she will be able to list her book as one she has read in her next interview with Katie Couric.
  4. I will NOT watch the Eagles as long as Michael Vick is on the team. His senseless treatment of dogs is unforgivable. There is no redemption for him. Rather he should be chained up under deplorable conditions and beaten until his death in the ring. Any team that would have him is shameful. Besides I’d rather watch soccer. Now that’s a beautiful sport, like ballet its choreography is delightful and moving. There aren’t a bunch of gorillas clad in a suit of armor running into a big pile of each other. And talk about athleticism. Soccer players have speed, coordination, and endurance. I’d like to see one of those football players run for a full 45 minutes without a break and deploy strategy and mad skills at the same time. But I digress.
  5. I will NOT buy a hybrid. Sorry to all of the tree huggers out there but I prefer the torque of my BMW 328i. I have a need for speed, what can I say.