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top 5 foreign dudes i’d like to get naughty with

March 1, 2010 27 comments

i’m researching taking my blog pro, i.e., purchasing my own domain, managing my own site, and incorporating a new site design.  it’s eating up a lot of time and making me feel stupid. but hey, maybe someday i can have ads and that would give me a little extra occasional money for recreational drug use. it’s good to have goals.

in the meantime,  here’s a quickie to hold you over. i always say, there’s no reason for the DTs, just find a substitute. i think that’s a valid analogy here. anyhussy, here is my list of the top five foreign dudes i’d like to get naughty with (foreign for the added challenge):

1. javier bardem. this is one hot tamale! he had me in the dancer upstairs. was remarkable in love in the time of cholera.  but made it to the top of my list in vicky cristina barcelona where i couldn’t stop thinking, “i’m def going to watch this movie again in slo mo when the hubby and daughter aren’t home.” and who else can rock a bowl cut like he did in no country for old men? 

2. benicio del toro. if javier is 5 chile peppers, benicio is 4.5. those are some soulful bedroom eyes and eyebrows. yes, eyebrows can be bedroom worthy. and kitchen counter, top of the dryer, hammock, and dining room table worthy. if you don’t believe me, watch traffic or 21 grams. then see things we lost in the fire.

3. gary oldman. he just stole some of my favorite movies of all time and played some of the most intriguing characters ever: sid vicious  in sid and nancy, count dracula in bram stoker’s dracula, the pimp in true romance, and ludwig van beethoven in immortal beloved. there’s something raw, edgy, and gritty going on inside that head of his and i need to tap that!

4. daniel craig. two words: james bond. he’s just the sexiest bond to date and the first bond to fall in love! i think he’d fall in love with me, too, if he knew me. but if he just wanted to wham-bam-thank-you-maam me that would be quite alright. fuck, just look at the body on this guy.

5. hugh grant. when you look up “cute and charming as all get out” in the dictionary, a picture of hugh grant shows up. four weddings and a funeral, notting hill, bridget jones’s diary, about a boy, two weeks notice, and love actually. in the latter he does a little dance like he’s mick jagger and damn that’s cute. guys, he is like the male version of your jennifer love hewitt. he may even bedazzle his balls because he’s just that adorable and funny.

 

v-things and shit i hate in the social media world

February 11, 2010 14 comments

since the v-day holiday is upon us and i forget what it feels like to be gaga in love i’m not going to talk about v things. although i could do a V is for … post like i did C is for… cuz there are a ton of sweet V words:

voluptuous. vajayjay. visceral. vasectomy. valium. vodka. venus. vicious. vote. vanity. venomous. virile. vivacious. vaseline. veg. visionary. volatile. va va voom. vogue. vested. vamoose. vacation. veranda. vixen. villainous. victory. voracious. varmint and vermin. vulva. vamp. vw. vampire. voodoo. vineyard. vapid. vindicate. voyeur. vocabulary. vinyl. vehemently. venereal. vim and vigor. velvety. vent. verbatim. verge. vs. vibrator. vices. vintage. volley. volatile. vulgar.

that would be a damn good post. anyway, the lawnmower and i have been married for like 1.8 million years so we’re no violet and victor on v day. we’re more like vera and vernon. a name can say it all, can’t it? i think it’s so cool when people are giddy in love. the BIG smiles. the always having some body part touching. the fucking amazing chemicals surging through their bodies: endorphins, dopamines, oxy, pheromones, percocets, aphrodisiacs. it’s true. look it up in a science resource. the impenetrable happiness. the rose-colored glasses. the giggles. i haven’t had the giggles since the last time i did shrooms. oh and when i just recently watched zombieland. the can’t sleep and can’t wait to get out of bed and get to school or work just to see the person.

so i get it. i’m sad it’s gone, never to be back again. besides i wasn’t going to talk about v things. i’m going to talk about shit i hate in the social media world. cuz hate seems more reachable for me this time of year. here we go, hold on to your ass hats:

1. attention whores. i hate girls who post stuff like they’re going out fucking bikini shopping. exactly what kind of comments do you think they’ll get with this status? “show me the pics.” “get a hot one for your hot body.” “can i come?” “would love to be a fly on the fitting room wall.”  so let me get this straight, you need to let the whole sm world know how much every guy and his frat brother wants to bone you? classy. hope you get pregnant. these people are also #5.

2. ignorers. i hate when you send a message or tweet to someone with a question or something that obviously begs a response and you get straight up ignored. ignoring is ignorant! that’s right, ignoring is the latin root of ignorant. guess what, “no” “can’t make it” “i don’t know” are all answers, use them. don’t pretend i don’t exist. that’s just rude. like not thanking me when i hold the door for you. these people are also #3.

3. selfish social media users. i hate the people who put out all of these posts or tweets just for the feedback about how clever, funny, retarded, odd, or controversial they are. but they never ever comment on anybody else’s posts nor do they retweet anybody else. wtf fuck face! you have no opinions about anything unless it comes from your gem-spewing ass? you must be better than me fo sho. i am not worthy. these people are also #4.

4. jealous people. i hate people that won’t even comment when you have a proud parent moment on fb or twitter. really?  i commented on every stupid picture, announcement, and vid of your kid, but you got nothing when it comes to mine? that’s just wrong buckeroo. my kid rulz and if you can’t handle that or at least fake it then i pronounce you weak and jealous. and now i will rub it in all the harder.

5. horoscope publishers. i hate people who publish their daily horoscope. (unless it’s my friend susan because she can do no wrong in my eyes.) why am i supposed to care about your mood, lucky color, lucky number, lucky time of the day, etc when i’m not even the same sign? and unless i’m in love with you, which i discussed earlier hasn’t happened to me in a millenium or so, i don’t need this much detail about you. only newly-in-loves need this kind of detail about another person. you must be an attention whore who needs people to be obsessed with you and this kind of inane bullshit pisses me off because it causes me to scroll more to get through my feeds. so i’m sending you the bills for my carpal tunnel syndrome.

happy valentine’s day and wishing you that new love feeling because everyone but the people above deserves it. xoxo

C is for …..

January 20, 2010 20 comments

you probably think this post is all about the word cunt. you’re close! it’s a list of my 20 favorite C words with a K sound.  it’s a good sound on the right words. kah. my last post was all heavy talking about depression, suicide, and that creepy wind-up doll in the pristiq ads so i figured i better keep it ez-breezy this time around. and this shit just comes to me, i don’t know why.

my 20 favorite C words with a K sound:

coquette (flirting is a blast)

crestfallen (i often feel this way)

cacophony (defines the sounds of a hangover)

cash (don’t be a monkey, everyone loves cash)

cannabis (love me a psychoactive chemical)

cunnilingus (not fun to say, but fun to receive)

cantankerous (met many a cantankerous mule)

crazy (embrace yours)

cunt (really makes me feel better when i call you this if you are one)

corny (it ain’t ez being cheezy but there’s nothing like a corny compliment. you are the brightest star in my sky.)

curmudgeon (says it all about a person)

calloused (it happens)

creative (please let it happen)

contraception (thank fucking god)

conundrum (have a lot of these)

curse (my favorite pastime)

colorful (my favorite kind of personality)

cunning (reminds me of cunnilingus. remember ms. moneypenny, “james, you always were a cunning linguist.”)

creepy (describes my encounters with men on the street)

curvy (a euphemism for my body type. and scarlett jo, kate winslet, and drew barrymore.)

What are your favorite C words with a K sound? C’mon give em up. We all have them.

The Perfect Drug

January 13, 2010 7 comments

I have a little problem. I have a bunch of them but let’s focus on my addiction to nicorette gum. I quit smoking 8 years ago. It was super fucking hard and my rage was such that someone should have injected me with 4MG of Ativan and taken me away in the crazy cart.  I didn’t want to quit but evidently it gave me asthma. Smoking was my best friend and shield (literally, it kept people from getting to close to me).  And nothing calms my angry punk ass down like continuously renewing the nicotine addiction cycle.

To this day, I still miss my Marlboro Lights (ML) and vow that I will smoke again! Vowing that I will smoke again is one of the ways I stay off ML. I pray everyday that I’m given two weeks notice before I die so I can smoke my ass off.

Another way I stay off ML is by fully embracing my nicorette habit with a nicorette addiction. I have no intention of ever quitting this shit.  Here’s why:

I don’t eat like a POW just released and returned home to Mom.

I’m able to deep throat my boss’s control freak and passive-aggressive daggers (sometimes this requires the addition of grey goose and xanax).

I have less road, elevator, and sidewalk rage than I normally experience when something hinders my mission at hand.

I don’t kill the urban element in my work neighborhood who slow me down with their slow walking. [best i can tell, slow walking occurs because you’re too fucking fat and travel in fatty packs or because your deliberate steps are necessary to keep your pants up.]

I have something to pair with other vices like coffee, drinking, and occasional recreational drug use. [vices are most effective when combined.]

I won’t boil a bunny on your stove if I feel scorned by you.

I won’t scratch my eyes out from boredom when I’m forced to attend a girl-only party. [see girls bore me.]

I have something bad to balance every good thing that ever happens to me.  nicorette after sex, nicorette when I get a new job, nicorette when my daughter has a shut-out, nicorette when I get a comment on my blog, etc.

Nicorette is nirvana.

Girls Bore Me

January 7, 2010 13 comments

girls bore the living daylights out of me. that’s why i don’t have many girlfriends.

first of all, they’re not into the stuff I’m into to: 

rock

live music

gritty entertainment

occasional recreational drug use

regular or heavy drinking

wacked art

political incorrectness

chronic cursing

generally the girls I know are more into shit like:

smothering their kids

preparing healthy meals

running, cycling, and skiing

starving themselves

oprah (yeah i said it. i dissed O)

and the worst offense of all: chick-only parties. these include candle, jewelry, bag, pampered chef,  wedding and baby showers, and even sex toys (this one wouldn’t be so bad if men were involved).

secondly, girls have been raised to be sweet and charming. to be liked and keep their mouths shut. therefore they play little mind games. say, a girl is pissed. she will give you the silent or short treatment and she won’t tell you why.  she expects you to guess because she’s too nice to tell you the nasty things she’s thinking about your behavior. in fact, if you do guess, she will deny it, but still expect you to change your ways pronto.   now a man, he either accepts things as they are (not nearly as judgemental) or he tells you straight up what is wrong. men like to get it fixed, but only if it’s broken. if only girls could do this.

however, there are some girls i think i could be tight friends with. they include: chelsea handler, sarah silverman, diablo cody, the bloggess, frances mcdormand, rosanna and particia arquette, holly hunter, nurse jackie, drew barrymore, patricia clarkson, any chick bass player, and my friend linda.

Top 50 Rock Albums of the Decade

January 6, 2010 4 comments

Making lists energizes me.  I get a rush each time I come up with a new item for my list. I can’t rest until my list is complete. Then once it is, I’m pacified and relaxed. I can’t help thinking my body must crave list making because it’s so much like a street drug. Addictive.  I get up.  I get down. And need to continue the cycle.

The best way to explain my dirty little habit is to list the lists I keep on an ongoing basis: To Do (daily, weekly, and rainy day versions), Gift Ideas, My Wish List, Places I Want to Travel, Restaurants I Want to Try, Music I Love, Movies I Love, Names for a Pug (Baby was earlier), Stocks I Should Buy, Photographers I Love, and the list goes on.

Anyway, here are the Top 50 Rock Albums of the Decade (cuz I am a list dork and know my music shit):

50. arctic monkeys – whatever people say i am, that’s what i’m not

49. xx – studio album

48.  the shins -oh, invented world

47. the strokes – is this it

46. blitzen trapper – wild mountain nation

45. black eyed peas – the end

44. the postal service – give up

43. grizzly bear – veckatimest

42. interpol – antics

41. rogue wave – asleep at heaven’s gate

40. kings of leon – because of the times

39. editors – an end has a start

38. lucinda williams – world without tears

37. sonic youth – rather ripped

36. sonic youth – the eternal

35. shout out louds – our ill wills

34. sigur ros – hvarf-heim

33. sigur ros – takk

32. interpol – turn on the bright lights

31. frightened rabbit – the midnight organ fight

30. pinback – autumn in seraphs

29. clap your hands say yeah – clap your hands say yeah

28. thurston moore – trees outside of the academy

27. raconteurs – broken boy soldiers

26. dresden dolls – yes, Virginia

25.  avril lavigne – let go

24. freelance whales – weathervanes

23. fanfarlo – reservoir

22. modest mouse – good news for people who love bad news

21. hold steady – boys and girls in america

20. regina spektor – us

19. rogue wave – descended like vultures

18.lucinda williams – essence

17. yo la tengo – prisoner of love

16. wilco – ghost is born

15. the walkmen – hundred miles off

14. okkervil river – black sheep boy

13. red hot chili peppers – by the way

12. my morning jacket –z

11. flaming lips – yoshimi battles the pink robots

10. coldplay – parachutes

9. pete yorn – music for the morning after

8. sigur ros – (   )

7. the national – the national

6. the national – boxer

5. the national – cherry tree

4. the national – sad songs for dirty lovers

3. wilco – yankee hotel foxtrot

2. radiohead – kid a

1. the national – alligator