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sibling sex on ice – not nice

February 24, 2010 10 comments

so the results are in from my poll about who should win the heart of my one true love. and there were two – count em – two fucking votes for evil meghan!

to you two, my diplomatic, responsible blogger response is: “thank you for participating in my poll. i know you cast your vote with much thought and conviction. that’s all i can ask. power to the people.”

and my childish, knee-jerk reaction is: “how could you? off with your heads! and just so you know, the vote was 88% in my favor, so you don’t know jack.”

in my quest to be closer to my OTL, i’ve learned that he’s been traveling. he hasn’t been blogging, but he has tweeted some super hilarious stuff like:

“Is it wrong that I size myself up against every arab I see in the airport? You know…just in case…”

“What is lamer…. A 32 yr old that likes dave matthews band or 32 yr old that likes twilight?”

“A twin of the comic book guy from the simpsons is on my flight from pdx to chicago. He is my new favorite person ever. ”

isn’t he soooo funny? he just tickles me pink. i’ll have to let you know when there is a substantial development with our dalliance. but until then let’s turn to the real business at hand.

like why is this shit allowed in the motherfucking world olympics?

these two are brother and sister, people! and he’s titty-fucking her on ice. granted that takes mad skillz, but it’s between siblings. in the 2010 olympics there are four brother and sister figure skating couples. i don’t know their names but i do know they all share the same surname. color me cross-eyed.

c’mon, in couples skating there are crotches skimming faces, thighs being squeezed, hips held with intensity, deep stares into each other’s eyes … this is foreplay. and choreographed foreplay at that.

this will lead to copulation.

and don’t be all up in my grill that they’re just acting cuz you just lost the debate with that argument. we all know actors are infamous for humping their costars. and that’s fine by me because they’re not fucking blood relatives.

woody allen and soon-yi? fine. ashton kutcher and rumer willis? fine. (okay that didn’t happen yet). all fine as long as you don’t share the same dna.

what’s your take? should this incestuous dance be condoned and celebrated by the world or should we let the sibling lovers pretend to be just skating partners because they’ve worked so hard and do it oh so beautifully?

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hey guys, save teabagging for the bedroom

February 3, 2010 7 comments

my good friend kyle told me that he wanted to quit drinking coffee and start drinking tea. he said he was reading outside magazine and that tea is loaded with antioxidants, helps maintain good prostate health, and trims the waistline. fuck that noise. eat more nuts and berries, go rogue every now and again, and ride your damn cannondale. tea is for pussies.   

oh sure guys in india, japan, and the UK slam down tea like real boys slam down cold ones during pre-game.  but do you really wanna model yourself after this guy:   

Prince of Pussies, I mean Wales

tea causes leprechaun-like ear growth. and he’s obviously a cross-dresser. not that there’s anything wrong with that. but he chose this bow-wow with eroded tea teeth syndrome (ETTS):   

do we see an adam's apple here?

over this beautiful fairy-tale princess with pearly whites:   

all girl!

and anyway, i’m talking about red-blooded american males here.  could you imagine the marlboro man sitting around the campfire with his other cowboy buds drinking a pot of fine white peony tea? (i had to look up the name of a good tea here.)  exactly, because these dudes wear spurs not kilts.   

 

and do you think joe dimaggio, mr coffee himself, would have ever hawked a tea-pot? no, because he was a manly man yankee baseball superstar and husband of marilyn monroe.   

but, i could see this bitch peddling tea petals:   

a-rod the tea petal peddler

i’m not even gonna start talking about the hackneyed extended pinky grip or the fruity shit that is served with tea:   

accompaniment of crustless sandwiches, crumpets, scones, and other "sweet" treats

but if you quit drinking coffee, and start drinking tea, then i think you should give up the burger, too. that’s just how it works. it’s a slippery slope my friend.   

i’m a little tea-pot short and stout. here is my handle, where is my cock?