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my dirty little secret

February 17, 2010 26 comments

everyday i fall in love all over again on the internet. the honesty, humor, cleverness, and likenesses to myself i find out there in the blogosphere just reel me in. i get all school girl giddy. (even over girls, but that’s just my idolatry problem rearing its ugly head.) but this time it’s for realz. 

i have a RAGING crush on a certain male blogger. i’m convinced he is my true love and that he feels the chemistry too. even though we have never seen each other in person, or direct messaged/emailed each other, there are some major vibes flowing between us over these omnipotent internet waves. and it’s only a matter of time before things escalate. see if you agree. . .

i can’t recall how we discovered each other but i remember commenting on his blog post 10 Best Albums of the Decade. (no, i’m not linking to this post and sharing his identity. that would leave me vulnerable to jinxing. and besides if he reads this, then he will know it’s him and will be encouraged by my affirmation of requited love.)

because music is one of my greatest loves, practically anytime a guy is into cool music (translation: the kind i like), my libido is gonna start jumping. on his list were some of my absolute faves:

weezer–green album

john butler trio–sunrise over sea

the shins–oh inverted world

radiohead–kid a or pick one (pick one! he’s a radiohead head, too!)

the flaming lips–yoshimi battles the pink robots

not long after this, my hotty commented on my Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade post and that’s when i was pretty sure i had hooked him. i became obsessed and the stalking began (don’t snicker, he’s def doing it, too).  i made sure to comment on his posts everyday and i became a fan of his facebook page (actually he’s sort of a celebrity and has an amazing tv writing/producing and even an acting history).

at some point we started following each other on twitter, but for the life of me, i can’t remember who initiated that either.

anyfreeze, one time i commented on his post about the movie leap year with amy adams agreeing that adam scott who is also in the movie is a dickhead. he liked that comment and replied back.

of course, there’s this girl, meghan, who chimes in on his every post, too. from her thumbnail she looks to be one of those dark, gothy, exotic looking chicks (i.e., evil). just the opposite of me. he replies to her comments, too, but i can tell they are half-hearted compared to the way he replies to me.

when i commented on his conan vs. jay post that chelsea handler would be the one set of cojones still standing, he replied that chelsea’s “i used to be a slut” bit couldn’t last. however, he put it ever so nicely. we don’t have to agree on everything to still be crazy crushing on one another.

to his post pondering why he doesn’t get invited to sex toy parties, i sent him a link to my girls bore me post in which i assert maybe if men were invited to these things, there might be some potential for fun. to which he replied “hmmm.”  i’m still dying to know exactly what he was thinking. why was he hiding his thoughts? it had to be that he was afraid meghan or some other girlfriend who obvs doesn’t hold a candle to me was reading the thread.

then one time he tweets, “going to throw a dart: vegas,  portland, portsmouth, boston.”

i tweet back, “come to philly.”

he says, “i’d rather light myself on fire than live in philly.”

i die inside. and ask, “why, cuz i’m here?”

he answers,  “i hate your baseball team, your hockey team… and the general attitude of your sports fans. that is a good start. : )”

i’m sure he’s confusing philly teams/fans with new york, but that’s neither here, nor there. what’s important to note is the smiley face he puts at the end. he wanted to reassure me that it didn’t have anything to do with me!

lately, he hasn’t replied to my comments with the same zeal, but then he posted everything sucks or is meh and within this post was this:

“In looking at my life I am more professionally accomplished than I have ever been. I am making more money than I ever have. My dating and love life is fine. And really by all accounts everything is fine, except for some reason I have become a negative and miserable human being. It got to the point where I wasn’t enjoying anything on any level. It has been pretty scary.”

THERE IT IS!  there is a another girl, but that someone rates as a four-letter F word: fine. in this context, fine is not the foxy fine, but the mediocre fine. and clearly she is not cutting the mustard if he’s become so depressed and forlorn, and can longer enjoy things like U2 concerts and beer.

so that’s how i know he secretly wants me, too. his emptiness is a direct result of my not being in his life.

the anticipation of wondering when the secret will break is just sooo titillating. soon he will confess that he can’t take his mind off of me and must have me. when that direct message arrives, i’m going to melt.

it’s going to be any day now, but i can wait. sometimes the dreaming is the best part.

UPDATE February 18

so my one true love (OTL) hasn’t posted anything on his blog today for me to read and capture more of his essence. commenting on his posts is one of the highlights of my day.  i  imagine him lighting up when my name appears in his comments and that he falls a little deeper every time he reads my witty take on his humorous post. he probably envisions us laughing our heads off together for all of eternity as the world becomes our own private joke and continually ignites our passion.

i guess he hasn’t read my blog either since my Top 10 TV Shows of the Decade post, but i’m certain this is because of his funk that i told you about yesterday. by his own admission he can’t enjoy things anymore, even the things that require no effort because they automatically make us feel good.  and i bet that he and mediocre girl are fighting about something stupid like where to order the pad thai and he’s wondering why am i with her when we can’t even agree on delivery and i now know my OTL, who thinks just like me, is out there. poor guy. 

i’m a little down, too, because of his absence. (we’re always so in sync.) but i know he won’t fail me.  can’t you just sense it too?

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hey guys, save teabagging for the bedroom

February 3, 2010 7 comments

my good friend kyle told me that he wanted to quit drinking coffee and start drinking tea. he said he was reading outside magazine and that tea is loaded with antioxidants, helps maintain good prostate health, and trims the waistline. fuck that noise. eat more nuts and berries, go rogue every now and again, and ride your damn cannondale. tea is for pussies.   

oh sure guys in india, japan, and the UK slam down tea like real boys slam down cold ones during pre-game.  but do you really wanna model yourself after this guy:   

Prince of Pussies, I mean Wales

tea causes leprechaun-like ear growth. and he’s obviously a cross-dresser. not that there’s anything wrong with that. but he chose this bow-wow with eroded tea teeth syndrome (ETTS):   

do we see an adam's apple here?

over this beautiful fairy-tale princess with pearly whites:   

all girl!

and anyway, i’m talking about red-blooded american males here.  could you imagine the marlboro man sitting around the campfire with his other cowboy buds drinking a pot of fine white peony tea? (i had to look up the name of a good tea here.)  exactly, because these dudes wear spurs not kilts.   

 

and do you think joe dimaggio, mr coffee himself, would have ever hawked a tea-pot? no, because he was a manly man yankee baseball superstar and husband of marilyn monroe.   

but, i could see this bitch peddling tea petals:   

a-rod the tea petal peddler

i’m not even gonna start talking about the hackneyed extended pinky grip or the fruity shit that is served with tea:   

accompaniment of crustless sandwiches, crumpets, scones, and other "sweet" treats

but if you quit drinking coffee, and start drinking tea, then i think you should give up the burger, too. that’s just how it works. it’s a slippery slope my friend.   

i’m a little tea-pot short and stout. here is my handle, where is my cock?