People that have to GO: Veggie Girl

February 8, 2010 5 comments

By Guest Blogger Sparklinglegend (yet another cheese celebrity couple name)

You have likely encountered this woman at an overpriced, organic food store like Whole Foods, or at a yipster coffee shop, drinking coffee with soy milk and typing on her “earth friendly” MAC-book-pro; made from 99% recycled materials, with a biodegradable screen and reclaimed hard drive. If you are a guy, you may even have been unfortunate enough to have dated her.

You don your finest frock, drown yourself in cheap but decent smelling cologne and prepare for a date with the dreamy girl you met outside Whole Foods (first mistake). You pick her up, she seems like a regular girl. She is not wearing a vegetarian identification badge or a necklace made of eucalyptus leaves to warn you of her leaf related exploits. Your waiter comes to take your orders. You order your usual, the House Rump Roast and ask that it be moo-ing and walk itself onto your plate.

She orders the “Rain forest Salad” with tofu, croûtons and nine different plants that sound like names of Star Trek characters. You naturally assume her meal is a starter and that she just has a healthy appetite (a good sign). Your food comes, dripping with blood and causing you salivate. You tuck in enthusiastically, being careful to eat in a calm, dignified manner (see 10 things not to do on a date: date killing 101). After a while you look up to see if your date is enjoying her meal. She is not eating, instead she is staring at your succulent juicy steak while silent tears drip down her face.

Embarrassed you look away to give her time to compose herself. Suddenly the tears are no longer silent, she has broken out into noisy sobs causing everyone in the restaurant to look at you as though you were Kanye West. It suddenly becomes clear, she in fact ONLY ordered the Rain forest Salad and the tantalizing smell of your well-chosen meal is too much for her starving body.

You are pretty pissed off, after all she could have easily ordered her own House Rump Roast, but she is really hot and besides the bodybuilders in the corner look as though they are about to jump up and call you outside. You could definitely take them but you’d rather avoid a scene. “Would you like a piece of my steak?” She looks at you in total disgust, her jaw on the table “I. don’t. eat. meat, it’s cruel to animals,” she hisses. She jumps up, “Murderer” she screams and runs out of the restaurant leaving you to grab your half-eaten cow and get out before the body builders reach you.

Why this person needs to go
We get it, a vegetarian diet is healthy. However, you don’t have to give vegetarians a bad name by being annoying about it. It does not make you better or more humane than the rest of the world to choose to be vegetarian. You simply chose not to eat meat, yet in many instances you go to great pains to emulate its taste, occasionally eating fish, beetles and worms which in your mind somehow managed to elude being animals. The illustration below is of a food pyramid detailing what food is appropriate for human consumption.

In conclusion, it is perfectly acceptable and natural to eat meat and by no means disgusting. The human body is capable of digesting it after millions of years of evolution. This is not an accident. If you want to do something to save the innocent animals out there I have an idea. Jump right in between a lion and it’s prey. Inform the lion on the benefits of a veggies only diet and see what it thinks.

What to do with this person

Save a tree, eat a vegetarian.

What ever you do one thing is clear…”Veggie Girl” has got to go! 

If you like the kind of wisdom you found in this post, be sure to read more from our guest blogger’s site @ http://www.stuff-about.com/

men who shop at express

February 5, 2010 Leave a comment
i’m guest blogging over at stuff-about.com  stuff-about.com is a must read humor site for hilarious articles and humorous takes on relationships, dating, politics, lifestyle and just about any stuff you can possibly imagine. read my take on men who shop at express.
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Categories: Cuz I Know My Shit

hey guys, save teabagging for the bedroom

February 3, 2010 7 comments

my good friend kyle told me that he wanted to quit drinking coffee and start drinking tea. he said he was reading outside magazine and that tea is loaded with antioxidants, helps maintain good prostate health, and trims the waistline. fuck that noise. eat more nuts and berries, go rogue every now and again, and ride your damn cannondale. tea is for pussies.   

oh sure guys in india, japan, and the UK slam down tea like real boys slam down cold ones during pre-game.  but do you really wanna model yourself after this guy:   

Prince of Pussies, I mean Wales

tea causes leprechaun-like ear growth. and he’s obviously a cross-dresser. not that there’s anything wrong with that. but he chose this bow-wow with eroded tea teeth syndrome (ETTS):   

do we see an adam's apple here?

over this beautiful fairy-tale princess with pearly whites:   

all girl!

and anyway, i’m talking about red-blooded american males here.  could you imagine the marlboro man sitting around the campfire with his other cowboy buds drinking a pot of fine white peony tea? (i had to look up the name of a good tea here.)  exactly, because these dudes wear spurs not kilts.   

 

and do you think joe dimaggio, mr coffee himself, would have ever hawked a tea-pot? no, because he was a manly man yankee baseball superstar and husband of marilyn monroe.   

but, i could see this bitch peddling tea petals:   

a-rod the tea petal peddler

i’m not even gonna start talking about the hackneyed extended pinky grip or the fruity shit that is served with tea:   

accompaniment of crustless sandwiches, crumpets, scones, and other "sweet" treats

but if you quit drinking coffee, and start drinking tea, then i think you should give up the burger, too. that’s just how it works. it’s a slippery slope my friend.   

i’m a little tea-pot short and stout. here is my handle, where is my cock?

where to be the prettiest girl in the room

January 29, 2010 6 comments

tonight will be very special for me. i’m going to THE PUB for dinner. THE PUB is a steakhouse located right outside of philadelphia on the airport circle in new jersey for over 50 years. nothing has changed in those 50 years. 

cover of THE PUB menu

housed in a gigantic tudor building, THE PUB is a classic example of “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” once you walk through the heavy wood doors you are welcomed by a warm medieval atmosphere with cozy details like olde english stone floors, stained glass windows, dark wooden beams, gallows, and swords. among my favorite touches in the decor are the wagon wheel chandeliers and the large kegs mounted to the walls in the lounge.

so it’s a little dark. more reason to feel comfortable and relaxed.  this kind of uniqueness can’t be found at any other steakhouse. i don’t know why morton’s, smith and wollensky, the palm, or ruth’s chris haven’t stumbled upon this business model for their restaurants. sophisticated blandness. that’s what they are.

i like that there is always a wait when i go to THE PUB. beginning the PUB experience with a wait in the lounge is just super deluxe fun. i think all of the bartenders are WWII vets without the PTSD experienced by vets of other wars because these guys can get their drink on. and do they know how to make a cocktail! i like to kick it olde school and get a whiskey sour poured with a heavy, likely stewed, hand. THE PUB is also cool because you can order a flagon of wine. i personally recommend the chilled cabernet sauvignon.

notice the flagons of wine

THE PUB house wine is quite quaffable even to the most discrimating wine snob. not that i’d take any of my wine snob friends to THE PUB because they just wouldn’t get it. they’d be all hung up on there being no valet parking and would be all verklempt upon entering that they couldn’t appreciate THE PUB’s charm.

the dining room is dominated on one wall by the large hearth and is manned by chefs wearing aprons and chef toques. because the kitchen is in the dining room there is a boisterousness that puts you at ease.

the hostess and serving staff are all so sweet and call you hun in their sexy too-many pall malls voices.  i always feel bad for them though cuz usually they’re on their second work shift for the day having left a 12-hour shift at the diner. they stay fueled by the sambuca shots the manager gives them in the back. i know this because they’re friendly enough to share it with me.

and now for the menu ….

 THE PUB fare is to die for. savory is right! i always get the house special filet with herb seasoned sauteed brown onions which are on the house. SweeeeeeeeT! and before you say to yourself, omg THE PUB is giving this shit away, let me tell you about THE PUB FREE BEES.  that’s right, all of this is included with your entree….

fuck yeah!  i’m salivating just thinking about PUB hearth baked bread and PUB made mashed potatoes.

besides a truly spectacular dining experience. the main reason i love THE PUB is that i am always the most beautiful girl in the room.  i don’t know why this is. it’s a mystery to me why all of the superleggy paper thin supermodels from ny and philly aren’t frequenting THE PUB, but they foolishly only do swanky. medieval is where it’s at. their loss is my gain because i’d like to keep this mammoth hidden gem all to pretty myself, thank you.

i aint no woman, aight

January 27, 2010 4 comments

i’m an adult female so you may think it appropriate to refer to me as a woman. but don’t. it sounds matronly. unfeminine. like meryl streep in doubt. or biblical: woman taken from man. like man but with a womb: woman. and please don’t say i have a womanly figure either. we know this means amazonly. and what it doesn’t mean: nubilely. yes, i know amazonly and nubilely aren’t real words. but they should be.

woman in no way conveys how i’d like to be perceived. woman does not = pretty, sexy, rad, curvy, bangin’ or badass. so what if i’m not any of these things, we’re talking perception. let’s not get mired in the details.

whether you consider them derogatory, slang, or just old school, here are some terms you can use when referring to me and examples of how you might use them:

bella donna: patty reminds me of stevie nicks when she did the bella donna album, before stevie became all womanly
 
whore: patty’s a total tech whore
 
bitch: bitch can rollerblade circles around any 20-somethin
 
bird: 2birds1blog. hilarious. don’t go there now. wait until you finish reading this bird. but british slang always works.
 
girl: fergie got nothin on patty, girl got it goin on
 
mistress: mistress patty will dominate your ass
 
bootylicious: there’s nothing more nutritious than a girl’s who’s bootylicious
 
ho: damn, that ho was born to throw a party and she makes a serious music mix too.
  
shawty: shawty’s fire burnin down the house (or something like that. if you’ve seen me dance, you know what i’m talking about)
 
baby: hey baby, wassup (this is how the beastie boys greet me when they run into me)
 
henhussy: i just like this word. i’ll leave its usage open.
 
dish: did you see how dish patty was in those penny loves kenny cowboy boots
 
wilf: patty is a writer i’d like to fuck
 
superfreak: that girl’s a superfreak, the kind you read about in a new-wave magazine (for the history books, rick james was singing about pattypunker)
 
chick: patty’s so rockin she should be a chick bass player (i am in my own mind so don’t be feeling all sorts of bad for me)
 
and in closing if you ever — i mean ever — call me motherfucking ma’am imma cut your boney little ass.
 
how do you like to be referred to?

lest we forget our cynicism

January 24, 2010 5 comments

conan, your quirky, uber original comedy makes me swoon. i tweeted your praises and gushed about the mind-blowing end to your too brief stint on the tonight show. i balled like demi moore in ghost over your heartfelt thanks and when neil young thanked you for all you did for new music. then when you took off your tie, picked up the guitar, and played freebird — i definitely came a little. but telling us not to be cynical?

conan, conan, conan. not to sound cynical, but who’s been the purveyor of cynicism the last few weeks? it wasn’t until nbc offered you $32M that you had a change of heart. justsayin.

this has been some of your best material and earned you your highest ratings. people could relate to your doubts and distrust. sometimes we do get fucking slighted! you def did. the cynicism and negativity were justified. feeling this way doesn’t mean we’re getting sucked into one big black crippling hole of bitterness. sometimes these feelings are the jet fuel that launches us to new heights. ask any artist, athlete, or entrepeneur and i’m sure a good perecntage of them will tell you that part of their motivation came from proving someone wrong.  they didn’t say to themselves, suchandsuch is right, i have no talent. they got pissed and then accomplished amazing things just like you, conan.

life isn’t all rainbows and thomas kincaid paintings. life causes real cynicism, anger, rage, angst, doubt, and fear. let’s not pretend it doesn’t. what good does that do any of us? art is a productive and benevolent outlet. everyone, artist and audience, benefits when the honest shit comes out. this bird you cannot change. so let’s bring it hard. and fly freebird.

C is for …..

January 20, 2010 20 comments

you probably think this post is all about the word cunt. you’re close! it’s a list of my 20 favorite C words with a K sound.  it’s a good sound on the right words. kah. my last post was all heavy talking about depression, suicide, and that creepy wind-up doll in the pristiq ads so i figured i better keep it ez-breezy this time around. and this shit just comes to me, i don’t know why.

my 20 favorite C words with a K sound:

coquette (flirting is a blast)

crestfallen (i often feel this way)

cacophony (defines the sounds of a hangover)

cash (don’t be a monkey, everyone loves cash)

cannabis (love me a psychoactive chemical)

cunnilingus (not fun to say, but fun to receive)

cantankerous (met many a cantankerous mule)

crazy (embrace yours)

cunt (really makes me feel better when i call you this if you are one)

corny (it ain’t ez being cheezy but there’s nothing like a corny compliment. you are the brightest star in my sky.)

curmudgeon (says it all about a person)

calloused (it happens)

creative (please let it happen)

contraception (thank fucking god)

conundrum (have a lot of these)

curse (my favorite pastime)

colorful (my favorite kind of personality)

cunning (reminds me of cunnilingus. remember ms. moneypenny, “james, you always were a cunning linguist.”)

creepy (describes my encounters with men on the street)

curvy (a euphemism for my body type. and scarlett jo, kate winslet, and drew barrymore.)

What are your favorite C words with a K sound? C’mon give em up. We all have them.